For the hurt I caused Kurt I must suffer more
by flacka94
Summary: After the events of 4x04 Blaine feels like he need to be punished, and if his Dom doesn't do it he'll do it himself... warnings: BDSM, self-harm


The guilt was driving him mad, the knowledge that he had not only disobeyed his Dom most important rule but also betrayed the trust of the love of his live, it was just too much, so he said the four words that he knew would condemn him to a world of loneliness.

_I was with someone..._

The look in his lover face was enough to break his heart, after that it was all a blur. Kurt screaming at him, running from him...

And now they were sleeping on the same bed, except neither of them was sleeping and they weren't even looking at each other. It felt like hours, just staring at the walls before Kurt finally spoke to say the only thing that could break Blaine's heart even more

_Smithe _

Then he just left the bed, leaving His former sub alone with his thoughts, it was so bittersweet the memories flowing back to him the first time they had talked about BDSM both so shy and inexperienced. The laugh they got when they finally decided that nothing could kill the mood so effectively like the leader of warblers, and now the mood was really killed but not just for now but forever their relationship was over and it was his entire fault.

After a couple hours he couldn't take it anymore he had to get out of bed, he had to beg Kurt to take him back, so he got up only to find an empty apartment he was so lost on his memories that didn't even realized when Rachel, Finn and Kurt left. He couldn't wait every passing second he was closer to falling apart, and he couldn't do that here, he couldn't impose in his former Dom like that, he had lost the privilege to be comforted by him, so he did the only thing he could, he left a note and took a cab to the airport.

_Kurt, _

_I am really sorry, If there was a way to go back in time to change what I did, I would do it no matter the price, but as that only happen in the movies all I can do is to say how sorry I am, beg you to take me back, and to promise you that if you do something like this will never happen again. _

_So, yours if you take me _

_Blaine _

* * *

Blaine life was spiraling out of control, without Kurt controlling hand he had no direction, nothing to look forward.

Ever since he came back from NY he had spent every awake second either crying or sending apologies (mails, texts, voicemail, cards) to Kurt. It's been a week and he hadn't answer any of his attempts of contact every day he sleeps less and cry more drowning himself in a circle of self-hatred and depression. It would probably would had continued that way if not for Sam, who after two weeks of him being a no-show at school had finally decided find out what was going on.

When Sam got to Blaine's house, he was a sobbing mess torturing himself with photos of Kurt. So he knew he had to do something, he knew that something had happened between Kurt-and-Blaine but it was time to found out the entire story

_... I meeeee...eet him in Facebook ...sob... His... His name was ...sob... Eli ... I couldn't. Hide it...sob ...the guilt...sobs... I flew to NY... He broke up with me... Sob... I deserve nothing less but...sob... It huuuurts... Why did I do it?... Why..._

Blaine bro, you had to get over this, you had to move on Kurt wouldn't want for you to do this, you are just punishing yourself watching his photos, you have to get out of this bed and face the world

_...maybe you are right... (_Blaine said just to make him leave; he had no intention of moving on)

Great bro! See you tomorrow

Blaine was determined to block out everything Sam had just said, but a couple things keep coming back to him _"Kurt wouldn't want for you to do this_" ... "_punishing yourself_"... Maybe he was right after all his Dom would want him to just sit around doing nothing, he had broken the rules he should be punished!, with this new clarity Blaine finally got some restful sleep

* * *

Blaine knew that his decision would have to wait until after school, because if he didn't go probably another ND kid would show up at his door.

His day was really uneventful after telling all teachers that he had got a cold, and he would catch up, they all left him alone except of course Mr. Shuester that was mad he hadn't let anybody know, etc. etc. he mostly zoned out after a couple minutes, when it seemed that he was done he quickly explained that he would be skipping glee to catch up on homework, and left before the teacher could reply.

So now what could be a great enough punishment for what he had done...? Well lines Kurt always started every punishment with lines usually one or two pages "to drive the point home" he said... Ohhh I miss him so much...

So lines, first thing tomorrow he would buy a new notebook maybe after a couple hundred pages he would feel better.

Now homework needs to be done, he needs it to get on NYU with Kurt so he would take him.

Tuesday went pretty much the same, except that now Blaine managed to go to glee club and didn't even cry... too much. He tried to take comfort in the fact that he would start his punishment today but still hurt too much.

After getting home from school, he did his homework and decided to start the lines

1. - _I will not betray the trust of my Dom and the love of my live_

It felt good for a while letting it all out but as the hours past, his hand was cramming and still wasn't enough. He had to keep going, he had to be punished

It was after 5am when his hand couldn't take it anymore, his letter was sketchy and couldn't stop the sobs but he wasn't forgiven, not by far he had just realized how much worse his punishment should be, he couldn't move his hand, his arm and shoulder were screaming but still it was just too little, he need it more. With that tough he finally felt sleep if only for a couple of hours.

* * *

The next day was absolute hell, the lack of sleep was catching up with him, his entire right arm was so sore that taking notes became nearly impossible, and of course the guilt from whining for such small discomforts after breaking his lover heart, he deserved nothing less, and in fact he deserved so much more.

When Lunch finally came around he was too tired to eat, so he just found and empty classroom and took a nap. By the time he woke up it was time to go home.

He started his homework, and after a couple minutes the unpleasant feeling of hunger began to set it along with realization that he hadn't ate all day. The knowledge only increased the discomfort, he was about to go to the kitchen when he realized that he didn't deserved to be confortable, yeah he deserved the hunger beside, people doesn't even need to eat that much, with breakfast day on and day off should be enough to keep him going, but still maintaining the reminder of what a failure he was. Whit that in mind he returned to his homework.

After a couple hours his homework was ready, and he was alone with his thoughts with the deep guilt he was feeling, the aching feeling in his stomach was getting stronger but still not enough he need it more... He thought about taking up the lines, but he knew it would be enough, he needed something stronger... A couple times when Blaine had been really bad Kurt had spanked him. Maybe that was what he needs, but how to do it? He need it some research.

After a couple hours surfing the Internet, he had a pretty good idea of what to do and thankfully his mother early arthritis would allow him to star immediately. He searched her cabinets for a while before he found it, CAPSAICIN the net said just a drop would be like a good spanking so he left to his room got off of the pants and put it on, at first he felt nothing so he decided to take the corner time the web recommended, he set out a 30 minutes timer and stood on the corner, as the minutes passed by the sting grew stronger until he was crying from the pain, it was so much worse that any spanking Kurt had given him and it was a release, finally the physical pain was catching up with the emotional one, maybe there was hope after all, he was taken out of his thoughts by the timer, he went to bed, but it would be a long time before the pain lessen enough for him to sleep

* * *

Thursday found him feeling lighter somehow, the guilt still burned deep inside him but now he was sure that we was on the right track; he just need it to get more punishment before he could be forgiven, yeah he would be forgiven, if he just tried a little harder.

That determination was in his mind when he finally got downstairs, he had promised himself that he would eat some breakfast to keep himself healthy but one more day without food couldn't hurt right? Not after realizing that maybe there could be light in the end, he just needs to suffer a little more.

It was weird, on a conscious level he was aware of the soreness of his ass, and the grumbling of his stomach but he couldn't felt more at ease when he refused to go to lunch, and instead got to work on his lines during the break. He was even able to go to glee club without breaking down.

After getting home he worked super-fast on his homework and applied the capsaicin again, and went to his corner, it hurt, a lot , but he couldn't find the same release as the day before, it was like the pain wasn't enough any more... he just need it to make it hurt more so he sat in his very delicate butt and began to write lines, maybe the renew it pain in his butt along with the lines would be enough, it was after 3 am when he finally went to Bed.

* * *

This cycle repeated itself, the following days... the greater de pain, the greater the need for it to hurt more. After two weeks Blaine's butt was burning the entire day as he would put more cream the moment the burning started to lessen, he had cut down his sleep to two hours a day, he was failing all his classes because he spent his entire day writing lines, but most importantly he had begun cutting.

With a life like this one it wasn't shocking that he would pass out while dancing on glee, but of course Blaine was too deep in guilt that didn't even thought about the possibility, but when he woke up with Kurt looking down at him he wished for it to had happened much earlier. He finally felt hope again

* * *

**NYC **

**Hi, Sam? Remember I told you about the time zones, its THREE AM HERE SO WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?**

_Mmm... Yeah Kurt I remember it's just that... It's Blaine _

**Sam I believe I have also told you this but Blaine and I are over **

_I know it's just that he is in the hospital _

**What! What happened?**

_He passed out during glee, and we took him to nurse...and she sent him to the ER... _

**He just fainted? That doesn't sound so bad **

_Yeah but the thing is that the nurse check him over she found that he had signs of starvation... Kurt I could see his ribs (it finally caught up to Sam, how bad it was, and what a terrible friend he had been) _

(Kurt on the other side of line was also having a revelation of his own, he had been a terrible Dom he knew that Blaine couldn't make it on his own that was why they had started on BDSM on the first place, he also knew that Blaine wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt, but of course he was to focused on how much it hurt HIM that he didn't spend a second thinking of how all this would affect his lover, would affect his sub)

**Sam I am flying home, see you soon **

_KURT WAIT! There is more _

**MORE!? **

_Yeah well... Maybe I should tell you the rest when you get here, see you!_

With that the line went dead.

3 hours later 

Sam!, screamed Kurt the moment he put a foot in the ER

Finally you are here, he hadn't waked up yet, you should come to see him. Said Sam, but Kurt needed to know more first

Wait Sam, you said there was more, what is it?, It Kurt didn't already thought it was bad Sam would had said it all

Please I can't tell you, you have to see it.

A few minutes later Kurt understood why San hadn't said anything. There in his hospital bed was Blaine as white as his sheets, clearly way too thin for it to be healthy, but his arms were what caught Kurt attention.

There; bright and red against his skin were carved the words SLUT and WHORE

Oh Blaine, what have you done?

* * *

Two days after Blaine got to the hospital he still hadn't woke up, the Anderson had refused to come back from Washington, and had only talk to the hospital to deny their requests to put Blaine on the psych ward, it would look bad for the business. So Kurt feeling guilty took it upon himself to care for Blaine, of course the guilt he felt was nothing compares to how he felt after his trip to Blaine's house.

He was only looking for some clothes and maybe gel. To make Blaine feel better after he woke up, but instead he found a stack of notebooks he would had even looked at them if not for the title of the first one.

"Punishment diary"

The had started to make the diary after Blaine first big mistake on entering de d/s relationship, he was so ashamed of telling Kurt that he wrote it instead, and after being punished he also wrote the punishment, claiming that this way he wouldn't forget that his mistakes have consequences. They made it into a ritual after that every time Blaine need it to be punished Kurt would give him time to write down the offense and the punishment.

So of course knew about it, but it had been a month since the have last talk to each other and even longer since Blaine had been punished, so why was this on the table?

After the curiosity got the best of him, he started reading the entries remembering all those moments with his sub, he didn't like punishing him but the trust that Blaine put on him it make his heart swell, but when he got to last entry his heart went cold

_**Offense **_

_October 3th. Kissing Eli C., betraying Kurt's trust, and breaking the contract where it states that our relationship is monogamous _

_**Punishment**_

Kurt didn't want to keep reading, he had thought that the cutting and the not eating were Blaine way of dealing with depression and guilt, but to see in writing that Blaine thought it as punishment, saw it as it was what Kurt would it wanted.

it broke Kurt's heart, but he had to keep reading, he had to know exactly what blaine had done.

It took him hours to read the three weeks of torture Blaine had put himself through, as he couldn't stop crying. He finally understood the rest of the notebooks, lines... So many of them, the notebooks started normal but later on they were smear with blood, Kurt could stop thinking of how painful it must have been to keep writing as the blood was coming out of his arm. And the last phrase of the journal, the phrase that was on almost every page, kept coming back to him

_"It still is not enough Pain, for the hurt I caused Kurt I must suffer more" _

It took all his self-control to wait until he got to bathroom to vomit.

* * *

It had been a week since the incident when Blaine woke up; it was only for a couple seconds but the look on his eyes, the joy when he saw Kurt. Told him everything he needed to know, there was still hope between the two of them, he could help Blaine get better, and they could move on from this.

But it couldn't be like last time, this time he had to make sure that Blaine knew that no matter what he did he would never deserve something like this.


End file.
